did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
