Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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