I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
