Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I enjoy the company of your penis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
