Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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