I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
