I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
