I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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