I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
