Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize