I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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