i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
