I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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