I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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