No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize