she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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