sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Will exercising make me less horny?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
