Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
