someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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