my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
