Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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