the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
