I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
