a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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