You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
