your thong is hanging out like whoa
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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