i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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