I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
