i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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