I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize