theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
