HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
dude. I can hear the air.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
