he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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