I want to make a zoo with you.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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