If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
