I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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