I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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