All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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