Hey man sorry I got all grabby
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mom said you looked used
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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