You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
