Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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