I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
