The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
