My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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