I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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