All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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