dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
