I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize