Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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