do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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