a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
