It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
