My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
