we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
