Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
