Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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