dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
