In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
