I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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