my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize