This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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