I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
