Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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