I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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