just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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