somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
