who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I checked into jail on foursquare
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
