the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize