Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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