went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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