I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
