the condom got lost in my hair
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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